CIAO AMICI MEI

It’s been a troubling week. We’ve traditionally prized ourselves on our sound government and our fiscal prudence. We’ve prized  our grown-up diplomacy. We’ve a seat near the very top of that G7 table. But we’ve been found wanting.

We’re in laughing-stock territory. It’s shameful.

Yet something I read – sorry I can’t remember who said it -  made me feel a lot better. They said that for the first time ever, living in Britain was like living in Italy. You know exactly what they mean - the economy’s in turmoil, the level of debt’s ridiculous, there’s upheaval at the top of an ever revolving leadership, there’s sleaze, corruption and no one takes us seriously yet……

People are crowding into restaurants, drinking good wine, laughing at the poor fools in government and getting on with life. As things get worse up there down here we’re having a party. 

Saluti!

They had Berlusconi we had Boris. 

They have Giorgia we have Liz. 

We are suddenly rather alike it would seem.

Hopeless, utterly hopeless, but at least we both get the important things right.

Food, drink and laughter. Especially laughter.

I was cheered by this because the alternative is to start taking the critical issue of Liability Driven Investment Funds very seriously indeed.

Liability Driven Investment Funds - what the hell are those?

Apparently these are critical to the health of Pension Funds.

Here’s how they’re described:

Every defined benefit pension scheme has promised to provide retirement income for its members.  To do so, a scheme aims to have sufficient assets  to cover its liabilities. This has led many pension schemes to adopt liability driven investment (LDI) strategies which aim to enable pension schemes to reduce risk and maintain or improve funding levels over time, increasing the probability that they will  achieve their ultimate objective.

To achieve this they rely on having big bags of Government gilts so as to maintain stability, security and safety in their portfolios. Because?

Because Government gilts and bonds are the safest thing we have so whatever else happens they are rock solid safe. Until a week ago, that is, when after that Mini Budget their values plummeted. 

Panic for Pension funds and their safety, security and stability.

And then someone took a rather harder look at these Pension Funds and found that many were performing really rather badly even before this LDI body blow with year on year declines across the board of 12% and on some of the big name funds declines of 50%. 

So feeling by now resolutely Italian - facciamo una festa-  I opened another bottle of Prosecco, slowly munched a couple of cicchetti and reflected on two things.

It seems virtually no one practising in the financial sector has ever heard about or knows anything about these LDIs yet  - sit down for a second - the value of UK Pension funds is between £2.5 trillion and £3 trillion ( yes, that’s the total size of the UK economy.)

And, excuse me, this is our money, money that we have lent to Pension Funds because they’re trustworthy rather like, say, the Mafia.

I’ve just remembered a 1984 song  by Bananarama with the refrain “Talking Italian” the first line of which is “Hopes dashed to the floor.” We should all listen to it, buy a Vespa and get over to Italy where the sun shines, the food’s exquisite and no one pretends they know what’s going on.

After all if the top financiers have never heard of the fund that’s causing so much anxiety in the markets we might just as well. 

WILL YOU BE GLAD TO BE BACK?

1. I always want to see my friends and family
2. I love Brighton
3. I still wish we were European

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST

Last year in June I wrote a blog about Beppe Grillo. I’d never heard about him until then but I was intrigued.

Here’s what I said:

“For some time I’ve been worrying about the absence of comic anger in the midst of a shaken world. Where, I lamented, was a Swift or Hogarth or a That Was the Week that Was? Thank heaven, to be sure, for Private Eye and Have I got News for you? But where’s the rage? Where’s the kind of filleting that Christopher Hitchens gave Tony Blair in their debate on religion?

This week that all changed.

I became aware of Beppe Grillo and his Five Star Movement in Italy.This comedian and political activist won just under 20% of the vote in local contests in Parma, and several smaller towns. Have a look at the story of his journey and his beliefs http://www.euronews.com/2012/05/24/beppe-grillo-explains/

Like Alexis Tsipras in Greece he seems uncorrupted, focused and damn mad.

I confess (shamefacedly) not to have realised Beppe had been voted a European of the year by Time Magazine in 2005 on the back of his fantastic blog (http://www.beppegrillo.it/en/).  And then I saw Griff Rhys Jones on Question Time demolishing the other contributors including the, for once, tongue tied Caroline Lucas trying to defend wind power. He was angry and eloquent. I wanted to vote for him. Sitting opposite Lord (good Lord, how did that happen?) Prescott and two brains Willetts, he was so much more passionate and smart. And no, he doesn’t look funny in this clip does he?” 

This week Beppe holds the fate of Italy and maybe Europe in his hands. He has over 100 seats in the Italian Senate and his threat to slice open Italian politics like a tuna tin doesn’t seem entirely idle.

Like him we should be enraged by the old boys club that is Euro politics,

It’s time for a big change.

I see in the Eastleigh by-election that there’s a party called the “beer, baccy and crumpet” party with a candidate called Ray Hall….good solid trustworthy sort of name.

I hope he wins.

And I hope he’s as angry as I am at how disappointing normal politics has become.
Ray and Beppe – that’s a glimpse of new Europe.

www.colourfulthinkers.com

HUMOUR - HOW AND WHETHER IT WORKS

These are the best of times and the worst of times for comedians.

We have more jokes than ever and a medium so efficient at disseminating them that a professional stand-up deserves his millions by preserving anything vaguely original to say.

“I say, I say, I say…have you heard what Francesco Schettino’s new job is?”

“Yes. He’s a bus driver. Next?”

Isn’t this getting a bit tired now? Isn’t it bizarre that the capsizing of the Costa Concordia, a ship two and a half times the tonnage of the Titanic, has so quickly become yesterday’s news until that is someone manages to link the recent fashion shows with cruising and Italy?

And if these weren’t that strident orange it wouldn’t be so funny because here are the hot fashion colours for 2012. Yes – Tangerine Tango up in front.

And, just to prove the timelessness of ethnic humour, here are two that could have been produced at any time in history. The first to make the Brits feel good about their cunning and because it’s a classic piece of silent slapstick.

The slapper on a train

Coming back from another recent EC summit in Rome, various European leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss ATC controllers; sitting together in the same compartment, travelling through the Swiss Alps , were Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel and the young and a very attractive female Irish foreign minister.



The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks, everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed.

 Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have groped the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.


The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled Merkel and she slapped his cheek.


Sarkozy thinks: Why me? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in the dark knowing that I'd get the blame for it and she slapped me... the English bastard.


And Cameron thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that little French shit again.


And the next because Jack manages to incorporate everything I’ve always felt about South Africans – friendly, hail fellow well met, look like dentists (maybe that’s just me) and are totally distrait. And in case you’re worrying – no, it’s not (necessarily) racist. It’s funny.

The hijack and hygiene jokes are as old as the hills but like banana skins are always wonderfully slippery.

As with innovation and as Ed McCabe, the legendary ad man put it, “there’s nothing new under the sun but there’s always a better way.”