WHERE HAVE MY BRANDS GONE?

Brands have been a large part of my life, buying them, creating and building them as a marketeer and as an advertising executive. I spent my time persuading myself that Britain was a brand (it isn’t) and that I was a brand (I am certainly not). The definition has become too self-important. But here I am today in a chilly January mourning the passing of my favourite brands as though they were football stars who’ve hung up their boots.

The  thing about brands is they give you certainty. Wherever you are in the world that favourite brand will look the same, behave the same, taste the same and indeed be the same. Brands are consistent. Brands never let you down. Like Heinz Tomato Ketchup. Many have tried to emulate or even surpass it. All have failed. There is only one Tomato Ketchup

I thought the same was true of wine until there was a scandal around Chateau Giscours (above), one my favourite clarets, in 1995 when they were caught mixing milk, water, acid and cheaper, local red wine into the chateau's second vintage.

The power of the brand historically was demonstrated again by Heinz when they won in what was called the “Baked Bean War” of 1996. A torrent of cheap baked beans hit the selves of supermarkets selling for as little as 5p (or in one bizarre case they reduced the price to - 2p a tin).  Heinz stood firm and their price remained the same as did their brand share. Enough people believed there was no taste like Heinz. Is that true now of Hellmann’s Mayonnaise? Of Cadbury’s Milk Chocolate? Of Heineken? Of Persil?

Does Ford have the brand salience they had when they produced the Ford Cortina or the eccentric Ford Capri which performed like a skittish stallion with a very long neck whose concept of braking was somewhat rudimentary? Is Ford a brand anymore? Is Vauxhall, Peugeot, Citroen? Do they mean more than Skoda or Seat?

In the certain world of the past we knew where we stood with the Tories, Socialists, Liberals and the Church of England. But the fact that there is no brand consistency or reliability may not in fact be such a bad thing. It allows us to recalibrate and regard the so-call contemporary super-brands as the transient things they are. Apple, Facebook, Google are like the Detroit brands of the past - flashes-in-the-pan of branding.

But there are brands that sustain and survive the odd misguided leader’s attempts at product sabotage and that’s football clubs. Manchester United have reverted to their brand values after José’s attempt to make them what they were not.

Arsenal, Liverpool and Brighton and Hove Albion are all true to a style of playing and set of values that are consistent.

Brands matter. They are the artefacts which persuade people that they’re better. Only one thing. Today you have to live up to that image rather than just rely on advertising magic.

WE CAN CHOOSE THE WORLD WE LIVE IN - really we can

“Something is rotten in the state of Denmark” says Marcellus at the beginning of Hamlet and indeed with three hours the Danish game is over, Norway takes over, all the key players are dead and “the rest” as they say “is silence”. Does any of this feel familiar?

I was talking to a one-time senior Civil Servant recently who said he could understand the economic woes as a consequence of things being out of balance but that the corruption within the police force had shaken him to his core.  I’d argue when there is a complete blurring of what is right and wrong anything can go wrong and it is.

We have institutionalised corruption and breakdown across the board and it’s a cultural issue. Brand Britain is ruled by the urge for power and money. Nothing else matters it would seem.  We are being taught to admire monsters as our role models. But who else could run Barclays than Bob the bankers cry. It’s a bit like lamenting the passing of Fred West as a landlord.

Time for a reshuffle…..

First MPs – as Jefferson said “a little rebellion is sometimes a good thing” – they need to throw out corrupt practices like whipping and start to think. And the manners need to improve. Sorry Messrs Ball and
Osborne you’re being locked up for rudeness.

Press – bye, bye Digger and Dacre and a culture of sensationalism.

Church – a female Bishop or two and a bit more smiling – gaiety even might help. Best chance the church has had for a century to be taken seriously and all it can do is be fixated on genitalia.

Law – the judges are a bastion against extremism – smart and not driven by cash but ambulance chasing attitudes amongst the rest should be punishable by scorn (scorn is worse than death in the new world order.)

Police – root out the rotters.

World bodies –remove the apparatchiks who’ve ruined world sport, banking and politics. Sepp Blatter is a cartoon metaphor for Danish rottenness as is the unfortunately obsessed Dominque Strauss Kahn.

What an example to set a new generation.

And the banks. Well sad. Root and branch reform needed. Imprison all the banking boards just in case. And resort to 363. 363? Yes. Borrow at 3% in the morning. Lend at 6% at lunchtime. Be on the 1st tee at 3pm. Banking is simple. Honestly.

Shakespeare would have had a ball with all this.

And if you think it’s all too hard look at the recovery in Iceland. Prime Minster Johanna Sigurdardottir, well done. And gosh you’re a woman and a lesbian ….Church are you listening?