SOMETHING CONVULSIVE, SOMETHING REPULSIVE

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the spectacular Euro show and here’s Stephen Sondheim to take us on the journey.

Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!

Something appealing,
Something appalling,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!

Nothing with kings, nothing with crowns;
Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns!

Old situations,
New complications,
Nothing portentous or polite;
Tragedy tomorrow,
Comedy tonight!

From the appalling Grant Shapps – how apt to appoint a Minister of Housing someone who most resembles an Estate Agent – who told us “I spend my life on Twitter” to the Prime Minister, no less, being teased about not remembering trivia two years ago by the oleaginous QC at Leveson (I bet that silk’s tax returns get stared out very hard next time round) to Francoise Hollande’s women in lingerie-tearing Twitter brawls to George telling us there’s another £80,000,000,000 for business (to cries of “we’ll have that” Bob Diamond inter alia) – Georgy who always looks as though he’s off to an orgy and Ed Balls who looks like he’s just come back from one – it’s those staring eyes – “you should have seen her..(enough Ed. Ed) to the ex underpanted-on-Facebook Vicar Chris Bryant saying to Jeremy – please-don’t-hit-me-sir Hunt in the Commons – blimey the sauce – “you  have lied” ….fuck that’s terrible (how could he use such language) to …it goes on.

Later on in “Comedy Tonight come the lines “nothing that’s Greek/nothing that’s grim”. In Greece they vote tonight…before you read this but I fear it’ll be tragedy tomorrow whatever happens. Their hospitals are running out of towels, medicines, disinfectants and nurses. On Leros where they have their notorious mental hospital (still called a lunatic asylum) the inmates haven’t had food for a week as the money’s run out.
There’s this weird sense I have that we are as they used to put it “going to hell in a handcart” no actually it’s an update of that….we are going to hell in a BMW and we’re dancing a mad dance of joy as it happens and focusing on trivia which wonderfully is what humans do (“move that bloody deckchair to the left”.)
Robert Jay QC: And so Prime Minister can you recall for us how many bowel movements you had in the first week of May 2007?

David Cameron: What? No…no …I can’t

Robert Jay: What no glimmer? Not a vague impression or recollection?

David Cameron: no…oh I don’t know maybe 10 times


Robert Jay: Ten times, ten times…I see (he smiles and shakes his head)

Game over.
Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns.