WELCOME TO THE PAPERLESS LAVATORY

Gordon Brown has pledged that within four years every citizen with have their own Dyson Arse Blade – a unique device replacing the need for polluting Lavatory Paper. Spokesperson Anne Drecks claimed this was a massive initiative for Britain leaving other nations trailing, as it were, in the rear.

Rarely do I get so angry as I got on Saturday. It was that piece in the Times claiming that within four years we could have a paperless state with every citizen having their own webpage and that all state transactions would be online saving billions.

There are a few words this government (actually any government) doesn’t understand.

Initiative.

They have none. What they mean is “headline”.

Saving.

Er. I think they mean “spend”. Whenever governments try and save it always (always?) yes always screws up. Especially when the “T” word is involved…

Technology.

Government can’t do it and should never try. The NHS computerisation plan is running 4 years late and is now estimated to run out at around £13 billion. This is living proof (actually “dying” proof as any incoming government is likely to abort it) that governments and technology are like oil and water.

If this lunatic project goes ahead, spearheaded by Tim Berners-Lee and Martha Lane-Fox, which I anyway doubt as it’s clearly an election initiative it will fail.

Paperlessness is an anathema in a civilised world.

The Kindle or Sony Reader do not spell the end of the book, newspapers on-line do not mean the end of the real thing and the Civil Service is to its very core a literate and bureaucratic being. They require “paperwork” to feel legitimate. They think paper and they write papers

…sorry Gordon.